The 100 Years Club Installment #90: Who’s at Your “Cafeteria Table?”

No Seats For Mean Girls, Complainers, and Bullies!

Let’s discuss social circles as we continue our September back-to-school theme.

As we did throughout grade school, high school, and continuing education, we often picked individuals and groups to hang out with. Some just wound up in our classes, or friends introduced us.

Our ages (and hopefully maturity level) have changed since then, but the basic principles apply:

1. Welcome the “new kids”
2. Make a good first impression
3. Invite the solo people to your table and introduce strangers to each other
4. Share your lunch goodies — literally and metaphorically
5. Don’t exclude people who seem different from you
6. If you disagree on a topic, be kind and respectful. (No name-calling or food fights!)
7. Building relationships takes time. Don’t draw conclusions based on one sentence or a specific behavior
8. Resist the urge to gossip about others
9. Don’t imbibe too much if you’re at an event where booze is involved; you don’t want to build a reputation as “the sloppy drunk kid”
10. Experiment with different activities (see below) until you find the right “table”

I attend at least a few business events every week and plan weekend activities. The energy, smarts, humor, and soul of the people we hang out with can have a massive impact on our outlook and even help shape the future of our work and lives.

Being “the new girl at school” when I moved to Minneapolis and then to Arizona made me more sensitive to being an outlier.

I now work out of Industrious, where every day is an opportunity to talk to (safe) strangers. The manager, Brent, makes a point of making people feel welcome and introducing us to each other during “snack times.” (He puts out unique themed spreads for breakfast and in the afternoon, creating opportunities for people to connect and schmooze.)

Some people welcome you with open minds and hearts when you’re the new kid. Others continue to hang out with their cliques and gossip. Others are simply not used to my New York humor and direct approach.

How Do You Find Your “Table?”

My 2024/25 strategy entails sitting at “new tables” weekly and then deciding which ones fit me best. I no longer feel guilty when I exit events early or go once and don’t return. Some possibilities to explore if you’re new to an area or simply want to expand your social circle are:

• Alumni association chapters
• Time Left (which you can do in any city — even globally!)
• MeetUp groups
• Activity-specific groups at your gym or other venues (crafting, cooking, dancing, music, etc.)
• Chambers of Commerce
• Volunteer organizations, especially those supporting a cause or category that’s your passion
• Social/work groups (like this one, which has both digital and in-person events)
• Political volunteer groups (especially critical this year)
• Cultural learning groups. For example, I love film, and I sometimes sign up for ZOOM “classes” on  about a particular topic I’d like to learn more about
• “Real” school. Don’t worry about being the oldest person in the class. So many in-person and online course options exist today. The ones that allow you to chat with other students is a great way to build your circle
• Travel groups, like this one which targets women over 45. Alumni groups sometimes host travel adventures, as do a wide range of specialty travel organizations
• Dating apps and live events (some have a “friend” section, and you may end up “friend-zoning” suitors too)

Beware Dracula Debs (energy vampires), Negative Nellies, and Hard-sell Hanks wherever you go.

An easy and polite way to exit a conversation is to simply say, “I’d love to connect with as many people as possible here, so please excuse me. I’m going to walk around a bit.”

If you’re at a gathering and see people standing or sitting alone, introduce yourself and connect them with other interesting people you may have met at the event.

A combination of the pandemic and digital media has dampened some people’s social skills.

If you’re still in a COVID slump, try to snap out of it and step back into the “cafeteria of life!” (You don’t have to eat the green beans if you don’t like them…that’s one advantage of aging.)