The 100 Years Club Installment #87: Fight Club (How to Respectfully Disagree)
Reading Time: 3 minutesWhy can’t we be friends?
“The enemy is the problem…not each other!”
I borrowed that quote from a friend when we discussed the current state of relationships and world affairs.
“We never learned how to fight well!”
That, ironically, is a quote from my ex-husband (who was spot-on with his assessment, among many other things…I will always love and respect him, although our relationship didn’t survive).
We live in a world where name-calling, avoiding the issues at hand, and unfriending, throwing shade, or canceling people are commonplace (and, in some cases, even encouraged).
Reality TV has cashed in on conflict culture and loves to showcase fighting to garner viewership. (You can even watch compilations of famous fights on these shows!)
Conflict and disagreements will always be a part of life.
Avoiding volatile topics entirely is one surefire way to dodge differences of opinion. And you can certainly do that — with friendships, at work, and in your romantic relationships (or potential relationships). See below for a great article about avoiding conflict in relationships.
But talking through differences — from where to go for dinner to handle a project to how to parent or grandparent — can be educational. It may even bring people together, provided you communicate with respect and willingness to listen.
I asked my AI assistant “How do I fight fair?”
They/it replied:
- Stick to the topic: Focus on the current issue and avoid bringing up past problems.
- Use “I” statements: Framing criticism about the other person as “I” statements can make comments feel less harsh.
- Set ground rules: After a fight, you can discuss what hurt each other and set ground rules for future arguments. For example, you could agree not to call each other names or curse at each other.
- Take a breath: When you’re angry, it can be hard to think clearly, so taking a breath can help you collect your thoughts before talking.
- Take breaks: If you’ve broken any rules, you might be in self-protection mode and have difficulty listening to the other person or your own rational thoughts. Taking a break can help you cool off and get some perspective.
- Take responsibility: Even if your partner is clearly at fault, you can still take responsibility for your tone, communication style, or willingness to work on the problem.
- Fight by mutual consent: Don’t try to fight when one of you is unprepared or can’t handle the strain.
- Know your own feelings: Try to respect the other person’s thoughts, opinions, and feelings, even if you disagree with them. This can help you see things from their perspective and take steps toward positive change.
- Other tips include: Negotiating a time to talk, not criticizing, not assuming things, and not holding grudges.
We could fight at length about whether AI will make our world better or if it’s potentially the death of humanity, but overall, I think it’s a pretty good starter list. And, like many issues, one “right” answer doesn’t exist.
These resources can be great insights into how to “fight fair.” Like many things in life, it takes insight and practice. We can’t be afraid to leave relationships where others won’t agree to listen and learn.
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One of my fave books about facing conflict |
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Conflict avoidance styles in relationships |
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Don’t do these things after a fight |
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A counselor weighs in on how to keep politics from destroying relationships |
This is one reason that some of my early relationships didn’t make it. I never saw my parents fight, and I am sure that they did -married now for 61 years. I had no frame of reference or goo example of a fight or argument AND that it could end well. That there were ways to do it that were healthy.
As a mom and wife, my kids have seen it all, and it can be uncomfortable, but now 30 years into my own marriage, I’d say were doing okay, although my kids still ask if we’re getting divorced every time they see us disagree…
I’m at a loss over this world with all the fighting and bloodshed. Either we learn to use our brains, or our brawn will do us in.